UGA Football Outlaws Cars, Fast & Furious Franchise, and Anything That Rhymes With “Vroom

Quick Take

• Driving Privileges Revoked: The Georgia Bulldogs football team has indefinitely banned all players from driving after a historic run of traffic violations,.

• Media and NIL Crackdown: Players are now prohibited from watching any car-related films, listening to speed-themed music, or signing NIL deals with car dealerships, or anything that rhymes with “car,” “drive,” or “speed.”

• Cars for a Cause: All player-owned Lambos and Hellcats will be auctioned off, with proceeds going to feed starving children and settle a growing pile of parking tickets in Athens.

Vroom Vroom

ATHENS, GA — In an anti-need-for-speed transformation of what fans have called “UGA’s underground NASCAR program,” the University of Georgia Bulldogs football team has officially banned all players from operating motor vehicles indefinitely, effective immediately.

The decision comes after yet another player was clocked going 125 mph in a 45 mph zone, marking the 478th traffic-related incident since Kirby Smart became head coach in 2016. While Smart has led the team to national championships, he’s also quietly assembled the most aggressive street racing crew this side of Vin Diesel.

“We realized we weren’t developing athletes, we were accidentally training the cast of Fast 12: Bulldog Drift,” said UGA Athletic Director Josh Brooks. “We’ve exhausted our Uber budget, so now they walk.”

Effective immediately, all football players are banned from:

• Driving any vehicle, including scooters, golf carts, or bumper cars.
• Watching any media involving cars, including Fast & Furious, Gone in 60 Seconds, Ford v Ferrari, Gran Turismo, and Cars 1-3.
• Listening to music with lyrics involving speed, whips, drifting, or vroom noises.
• Receiving NIL deals from car dealerships, tire stores, mechanics, or anything that rhymes with “car,” “drive,” or “speed.” That includes bars, stars, and Marz (UGA’s favorite vape lounge).

Auctioning the Lambo Fleet

To enforce the new policy, the program has begun auctioning off all player-owned Lamborghinis, Chargers, Hellcats, and custom Jeep Trackhawks. Proceeds will go toward “feeding starving children and maybe paying some parking tickets,” per the school.

“We’ve got enough luxury cars to feed a small nation,” said assistant coach Trey Fitzwater, who now leads the newly formed Anti-Speed Department. “Some of those cars still had burnt rubber from summer workouts.”

Coaches Go Old School

To set an example, all UGA staff will now commute to practice using electric scooters with speed caps and church vans. Players must arrive on foot, by horse, or via their grandmothers. Walk-ons will be given preference if their only mode of transport is a ten-speed Huffy.

Kirby Smart is reportedly furious, not from the ban, but because he’s been forced to cancel the team’s annual “Cruise Night” NIL fundraiser at Athens Dodge, which previously included street-takeover burnout competitions and a raffle to win Brock Bowers’ old Mustang.

“We’ve tried everything,” said Smart. “Driver’s Ed. Suspensions. Prayer. The boys just love horsepower more than football. I guess we’ll pivot to track and field.”

In unrelated news, Lane Kiffin has reportedly offered scholarships to four suspended Georgia players “just to see what they can do on a straightaway.”