Clay Travis Officially Updates His Life Priorities: “First Amendment, Boobs, and Green Dildos,” in Light of WNBA’s “Green Missile Phenomenon”
Bias: Hulk Smash
Quick Take
- Clay Travis expands his “First Amendment and Boobs” mantra to include Green Dildos, thanks to the WNBA’s Hulk Missile Crisis.
- OutKick Bets set to relaunch, fueled by dildo-related prop bets and merch sales like “Free Delbert” shirts.
- FBI investigates possible dildo-smuggling gambling ring as critics call Travis a “racist misogynist,” he calls it “peak America.”
Green Gobler
NASHVILLE, TN — In what experts are calling “peak Clay Travis behavior,” OutKick founder Clay Travis has formally revised his longstanding list of life’s greatest treasures. For years, it was simple, “The First Amendment and Boobs,” which got him banned from CNN.
But in light of recent events at WNBA arenas, Travis has expanded the list to include a third sacred pillar: Green Dildos
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Specifically, the ones now being hurled onto WNBA courts in what sports pundits are calling the “Hulk Missile Crisis.” The rubbery green projectiles have caused chaos, outrage, and, ironically, massive ratings spikes, leading Travis to declare, “I love free speech, I love boobs, and now I love airborne green phalluses. It’s America.”
With Caitlin Clark sidelined and league storylines drying up faster than a Stephen Colbert protest, the Green Dildo Toss has taken the WNBA “to new heights,” mostly because they’re being thrown from the upper deck. Clay, in true entrepreneurial spirit, sees opportunity. He’s reportedly reviving OutKick Bets for the sole purpose of “making green… off the green.”
Travis has also vowed to dust off his dormant law license to defend a fan arrested in Atlanta for smuggling and deploying what authorities are calling a “weapon of ass distraction.”
The fan, identified only as Delbert, has quickly become a cause célèbre among OutKick loyalists. “Free Delbert” merch is already available on OutKick’s site, with profits allegedly earmarked for his bail.
Critics Aren’t Laughing
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Jemele Hill, supreme OutKick and Clay hater, tweeted: “The WNBA is 91% Black women. Clay Travis and OutKick’s fetishizing of this ‘green dildo nonsense’ is racist, misogynist, and entirely on brand.”
Other voices, including sexual assault awareness advocates, condemned the Hulk Penis Projectiles, especially after Sophie Cunningham, described by fans as “America’s new favorite enforcer” and “Caitlin Clark’s backup bodyguard,” took one to the forehead mid-game. Cunningham’s response was swift: “When we say this isn’t okay, believe us. Believe all women. Especially when it’s raining plastic genitalia.”
The FBI has now launched an investigation into multiple arenas for lax security protocols, which allowed fans to sneak in “pleasure weapons” with alarming regularity. Sources say federal agents, with no evidence and unfounded claims, suspect a gambling conspiracy, possibly tied to Clay Travis and the relaunch of OutKick Bets.
Though no charges have been filed, insiders claim Travis’ “suspiciously eager” embrace of the phenomenon has raised eyebrows, and maybe a few other things.
For now, Clay remains unapologetic. “DBAP,” he tweeted, referencing his classic motto “Don’t Be A Pussy.” He added, “Until I need to SBAP, Should Be A Pussy.”
Editor’s Note: The arrested fan, Delbert, is reportedly “in good spirits” and claims the entire stunt was “for the culture.” You can now purchase “Free Delbert” shirts, hats, and commemorative Green Missile Stress Toys™ exclusively at OutKick’s online shop.
