Dave Portnoy Sparks Investigation as Kelly Loeffler Probes WNBA Owners for Alleged Collusion Over Pay Disputes

Bias: Center-Right

Quick Take

• Kelly Loeffler, now Administrator of the U.S. Small Business Administration, has launched an investigation into WNBA team owners for alleged collusion, spurred by Dave Portnoy’s comments about fair compensation, accusing the owners of intentionally lowballing players to instigate a lockout.

• The owners, according to sources, are hoping for a prolonged holdout to recover losses from the pandemic, with the addition of five new teams being used as a strategic tax write-off.

• Ironically, Loeffler, who once faced backlash for her controversial stances as the former owner of the Atlanta Dream, now defends the WNBA players, claiming that the league represents the essence of small business despite her fraught history with social justice issues.

Portnoy Play

In an unexpected move sparked by Dave Portnoy’s recent call for fair compensation for WNBA players, Kelly Loeffler, Administrator of the U.S. Small Business Administration, has opened an investigation into the league’s owners for alleged collusion.

Portnoy’s remarks, highlighting Caitlin Clark’s role in skyrocketing the league’s popularity, seemed to hit a nerve, prompting Loeffler to step in and scrutinize the owners’ strategy of lowballing players to create a lockout.

“Who knew that professional women’s basketball was just a 6’3″ metaphor for four-inch verticals and missed layups?” said one anonymous source, possibly a disgruntled investor.

“They just want to make sure the holdout lasts as long as possible. That way, they can recoup all those losses from the pandemic and whatever other mysterious ‘cash flow issues’ they’ve been talking about.”

So why, you may ask, would WNBA owners want a lockout? According to Loeffler’s reliable sources (her neighbor’s cousin works in sports management), the WNBA’s team owners view the addition of five new franchises as a golden tax write-off.

“This is not just basketball, it’s capital gains in sneakers and sweatbands,” said one insider, who allegedly overheard an owner talking to his financial team.

Here’s the twist, Kelly Loeffler, once infamously known for being a former owner of the Atlanta Dream, now finds herself in the bizarre position of defending the players.

Yes, you read that right. Kelly Loeffler, whose tenure as an owner was marked by controversy, racism accusations, and an ardent disagreement with the BLM movement, is now actively fighting for the rights of WNBA players.

“It’s the epitome of small business. I’ve always believed in the power of small businesses to change the world. And these players are, in fact, the embodiment of entrepreneurship! They’re the CEOs of their own basketball destinies, facing ruthless owners who are more concerned with tax returns than the human beings that make the game possible.”

Just a few years ago, Loeffler was embroiled in public spats with players like that one athlete who dared to criticize her, after she took a hard stance against the Black Lives Matter movement. At the time, many players accused her of fostering a racist environment, which led to her departure from the Atlanta Dream. Fast forward to now, Loeffler is swiftly coming to the defense of these same players.

Perhaps the real “small business” here isn’t the WNBA or its players, but the sheer amount of irony in this whole situation.

If we didn’t know any better, we’d say Loeffler’s current defense of the players is a self-aware performance art piece on corporate contradictions, all in the name of small business.

When asked about the whopping $500 salary cap increase for players, Loeffler reportedly said, “Well, that’s small business, too. Just give them enough money to afford gas to get to the arena. But hey, it’s all part of the dream. You know, the Dream…which ironically I used to own.”

As the lockout looms, it looks like the only thing getting a “full-court press” in this entire scandal is Loeffler’s public relations team, who are busy drafting her next controversial op-ed on why the WNBA players are just “doing what small businesses do best, competing for scraps while the real players make the big decisions.”