NEW POLL: All Americans Have Never Responded to a Presidential Approval Survey, According to 100% of Our Respondents

Bias: Center

Quick Take

• National polls based on 1,000 to 2,000 people are presented as representative of all 330 million Americans, despite the limited sample size and questionable methodology.

• The majority of people refuse to participate in surveys, whether by phone, door-to-door, or online, as confirmed by our own survey where 100% of respondents said they’ve never completed a Presidential Approval Rating survey.

• Despite the absurdity of using such a small sample, these polls are still widely trusted and presented as definitive measures of public opinion, conveniently timed before major political events.

Survey Salute

In a surprising evidence-based shift in feedback aggregation, we’ve discovered that polls conducted with just 1,000 to 2,000 people, sometimes less, are now being presented as the voice of all 330 million Americans.

Who needs a representative sample when you’ve got a few hundred people that were really into answering the phone at 8 p.m. on a Tuesday?

Let’s dive deep into the mystery of how these surveys are conducted, and why we should absolutely, without a doubt, believe every word of them.

First off, we must give a huge round of applause to those brave 1,000 to 2,000 respondents who, after being contacted for the 27th time that week, graciously answered their phones or, even more impressively, opened their doors.

It’s clear that America is just buzzing with people who are completely available at any hour to give their opinions on anything from taxes to “Do you think we should get rid of TSA?”

But the real question remains: Who are these magical people?

We did some digging (asked our neighbors) and uncovered that these survey respondents are a secret society of phone-answering, door-opening, online-clicking heroes who would never, ever hang up on a stranger or not bother with a quick online survey at 2 a.m.

You know the type, folks who definitely have no plans and would love nothing more than to give a two-minute dissertation on their thoughts about the President’s approval rating while they’re folding laundry.

“I’m just happy I finally got to take a survey! I thought Presidential Approval ratings were as real as Epstein’s ‘suicide note’, everyone talks about them, but no one’s ever seen one.” – Anonymous Respondent

The raw data, of course, is completely irrelevant. It doesn’t matter if the sample is from a small town in Iowa or a group of bored teenagers from a Reddit poll. After all, what could be more representative of the entire country than the opinions of 1,500 people who all enjoy taking surveys in between their Amazon shopping sessions and gaming?

For the sake of thoroughness, we decided to conduct our own “highly scientific” survey.

We asked 1,500 random people if they’ve ever received one of those Presidential Approval Rating surveys. The results? The result…100% of the respondents said they had never received one. Not once. Not even a call.

In fact, of those 1,500 people, none of them had ever answered a door for a pollster, clicked on an email link for a survey, or picked up a phone call with an area code they didn’t recognize.

When asked if they’d ever consider completing such a survey, the collective response was a firm “no thanks, I have important things to do, like ignoring robocalls, walking into grocery stores, or contemplating the existential nature of life while staring at the price of cereal.”

Now, we realize the scientific community may be skeptical of our results. But rest assured, our method was flawless. We simply asked anyone who crossed our path at the grocery store, on the bus, or while we were staring blankly at our phones. If that doesn’t scream “high-quality research,” we don’t know what does.

So, while we may never know exactly who’s filling out these highly crucial surveys, we’re fairly certain that the findings of these national polls are probably as accurate as the number of people who say they’ve “never clicked ‘I agree’ to a Terms and Conditions page.” And let’s face it, there’s definitely no reason to question the validity of polling data that’s conveniently available just before an earnings call, or major election, where 1,000 people’s opinions will magically decide who gets to run the country.

To end this charade, we can’t stress enough how important it is to trust these polls. After all, if just 1,000 to 2,000 people can perfectly represent the other 328 million of us, then we might as well start sending every decision to a handful of people in a basement somewhere.

It’s a perfect system. Who could argue with it?

National polls based on 1,000 to 2,000 people are presented as representative of all 330 million Americans, despite the limited sample size and questionable methodology.

The majority of people refuse to participate in surveys, whether by phone, door-to-door, or online, as confirmed by our own survey where 100% of respondents said they’ve never completed a Presidential Approval Rating survey.

Despite the absurdity of using such a small sample, these polls are still widely trusted and presented as definitive measures of public opinion, conveniently timed before major political events.