$198 Billion Later: California Almost Solves Homelessness, Still Asking for Tips
Quick Take
- California spent $24B over five years to reduce homelessness by just 11%, then proposed $198B more to “almost finish the job.”
- Governor Newsom claims the state is “on track,” despite the price tag rivaling the cost of ending world hunger or sending another crew to the moon.
- Critics argue California is funding homelessness, not solving it, calling the plan “an infinite Kickstarter with no rewards.”
Homeless Happiness
SACRAMENTO, CA — After spending a mere $24 billion over five years to reduce homelessness by a stunning 11%, California officials announced an ambitious new plan to spend $198 billion to almost finish the job, give or take a few luxury tents and beachfront porta-showers.
Governor Gavin Newsom held a press conference standing next to the stalled high-speed rail.
“We’re on track,” he said, flanked by consultants, tent manufacturers, and non-government organizations. “Only eight times the current budget to go, and we’ll be this close to declaring progress again.”
California’s new five-year plan, titled “Housing the Unhoused Through Hope and Enriched Metrics” (H.U.T.H.E.M.), includes:
- $62 billion for temporary micro-eco-pods that double as Peloton storage
- $14 billion for “compassion consultants” trained in eye contact and trauma-informed Spotify playlists
- $38 billion to fund a task force to evaluate the budget of the last task force
- $3.7 billion to rename “Skid Row” something more inclusive, like “Soul Courtyard”
Despite the eye-watering cost, officials stress that this time it’s different.
“This isn’t just about housing,” said CalProgress director Skyler (declined to give last name). “It’s about wraparound services, circular funding, and triangulated empathy. We’re centering the community inside a narrative of layered investment. That’s just facts.”
Meanwhile, critics point to the fact that for $198 billion, the state could have:
- Ended world hunger
- Bought Twitter (now X) eight times
- Put another dozen people on the moon
But supporters say those comparisons miss the nuance of California’s plan
“Sure, the numbers look bad,” said one Bay Area official. “But have you seen the 98-page color-coded PDF we made?”
When asked whether this plan would finally “end homelessness,” Newsom clarified:
“Let’s be clear, we’re not talking about ending it. We’re talking about transforming it into something more visually regulated and less visible to donors.”
The new budget is expected to pass unanimously after lawmakers receive free trial nights in one of the state’s new rooftop healing yurts, complete with sound baths, and community gardens.
A celebration is scheduled for next week in a city that hasn’t burned down.
