Trump Announces Launch of “Trump Peaches,” Refuses to Pay Tariffs on Chinese Peaches, Opens MAGA Orchard in Atlanta

Quick Take

Bias: Smidge-Right

• Trump Peaches Launches: Trump skips China tariffs, opens “America’s Peach Palace” in Atlanta with a distribution center named after Fani Willis and Nathan Wade.

• Schiff Strikes Back: Adam Schiff unveils “Schiff Watermelons™,” sourcing from North Africa to replace lost USAID funds and avoid Georgia’s migrant labor issues.

• Investigations & Lawsuits: Senate Democrats demand an investigation and sue Trump over “fruit-based corruption,” while Chuck Schumer calls for a peach ban.

“Millions of Peaches, Peaches for Me”

Atlanta, GA — President Donald J. Trump announced the launch of his latest entrepreneurial venture Thursday, Trump Peaches™, a luxury peach brand inspired by his two impeachments and his firm belief that “America’s peaches should be yuuuge, juicy, and tariff-free.”

“Peaches come from China. They come, from China. That’s a fact. Most people don’t know that. I got impeached, TWICE, which makes me the most peach-experienced president in history. That’s why I’m making peaches… and we’re going to make peaches great again.”

Peach Tariffs? Not So Fast

Trump told reporters that he initially considered importing peaches from Northwest China, the fruit’s native region, but balked at the “ridiculous, sleepy Joe tariffs” on Chinese agricultural goods.

“They wanted me to pay tariffs. I said, ‘NO.’ I’ve been impeached by Democrats, so I know a scam when I see one.”

Instead, Trump will grow and distribute his own peaches out of Atlanta, Georgia, in what he’s calling “America’s Peach Palace.”

New Distribution Hub: The Fani & Wade Processing Center

In a not-so-subtle nod to Fulton County DA Fani Willis and her former “special counsel” Nathan Wade, Trump announced the Trump Peaches distribution facility will be named:

“The Fani & Wade Peach Processing Center,” complete with a juice bar called “ImpeachMint” and a legal-themed gift shop offering limited-edition “Witch Hunt Jam.”

Product Line Highlights:

• Trump Peaches: “The most innocent fruit ever impeached.”
• Peach Juice for Pardons: 0% China peaches, 0% migrant slave labor, 100% not funded by ActBlue.
• Covfefe Cobbler: “So good, the DOJ tried to indict it.”

Marketing Slogan: “Make Peaches Great Again”

Trump’s new brand will be marketed as “non-partisan, non-indictable, and all-American”, promising peach purity unmatched by “woke orchards or globalist groves.”

A commercial teased on Truth Social features Trump holding a peach while riding a golf cart through a Georgia orchard, declaring:

“Two impeachments. No convictions. And now, the best peaches the deep state can’t touch.”

“Let’s not forget, Democrats nearly impeached me for stopping Iran’s nuclear madness,” Trump added, referencing the recent precision strike by B-2 bombers on Iran’s suspected nuclear site. “I halted World War III before it started, and they wanted to impeach me again. Total disgrace.”

Critics Respond

Meanwhile, Rep. Adam Schiff has reportedly launched his own “Schiff Watermelons™” brand in a thinly veiled attempt to “turn the tables” on Trump’s repeated “watermelon head” insults.

Funded by ActBlue and several confused NGOs, Schiff initially planned to source his watermelons from Georgia, but abandoned the idea after learning Trump had partnered with the Georgia Watermelon Association and would be headlining the National Watermelon Convention as its keynote speaker.

Trump also announced he would sponsor the National Watermelon Queen contest, calling it “the kind of crown Fani Willis wishes she could subpoena.”

According to an anonymous source, Schiff was privately relieved to pivot away from Georgia, seeing it as an opportunity to replace lost USAID funding to North Africa by buying their fruit instead.

The source added, “Schiff saw it as a win-win, he supports foreign aid and avoids the headache of finding illegal migrants to pick watermelons in Georgia for his brand.”

In a press release, Schiff stated:

“If Trump can profit off peaches, I can support democracy with melons, mine are outsourced, sustainable, completely indictment-free.”

Of Course They Would

Senate Democrats immediately called for an investigation, citing Trump’s “clear conflict of interest” with fruits, and have filed a lawsuit demanding full disclosure of all peach-related profits and partnerships.

Chuck Schumer demanded a peach ban “until we fully understand what’s going on.”

Stacey Abrams reportedly offered to run the Peach Palace’s HR department, but was told:

It’s a small business, Stacey, we’re not handing out $20 billion like the Biden administration did for ‘climate equity.’ So far, not one green improvement in impoverished areas, unless you count your carbon footprint from private jets. Also, given your past money issues… probably best we don’t let you near the budget.”

Trump Peaches are not FDA approved, but are indictment-proof thanks to executive privilege sealed tighter than the classified thoughts inside Adam Schiff’s watermelon head.