The Onion Recalls Its Own Relevance After High Noon Article Falls Flat

Bias Rating: MAKE SATIRE GREAT AGAIN

Quick Take

• The Onion’s vodka recall article proves that satire can be both lazy and sober, truly the worst of both worlds.

• Fake quotes from jobless hipsters highlight The Onion’s new genre: Yelp review journalism.

• Someday News investigated, none of these people drink alcohol, and one thinks SSRIs are about saving turtles from straws.

Peeling the Onion

In a sobering demonstration of how to ruin a real story with unreal laziness, The Onion recently published an “article” (using the term loosely) about a vodka recall involving High Noon seltzers mistakenly packaged as Celsius energy drinks.

Yes, this was an actual recall. And yes, The Onion still managed to deliver content so flat it could have been written by an Alligator Alcatraz resident trying to jump the line for citizenship.

The piece featured groundbreaking investigative work, three fake quotes from people who either should have been working real jobs or, at the very least, streaming themselves mining crypto on Twitch or launching their seventh mid-level marketing scheme.

We were blessed with insights from an Elevator Tester, a Kazoo Tuner, and a Fruit Peeler, which, to be fair, are the exact job titles you’d expect from The Onion’s unpaid intern directory.

Masterclass in Mailed-in Mediocrity

• Jake Squires, Elevator Tester, said: “I’d hate to do damage to my liver when I was just trying to damage my heart.”

Paging Reality: Jake, you clock in at 2pm, scroll Reddit for four hours, and leave early to “test gravity” at a dive bar with pool tables made of plywood. Also, nobody drinking Celsius is trying to feel emotions. You take anxiety meds like Tic Tacs, and your heart’s been offline since the 2016 election.

• Theresa Vo, Kazoo Tuner, offered: “Someone could have accidentally ingested a calorie.”

Fun Fact: Theresa’s diet consists exclusively of room-temperature LaCroix and judgment. She thinks High Noon is either a nail polish or justice juice. Her idea of “alcohol” is sniffing hand sanitizer and pretending she’s above you. Which… she isn’t.

• Sam Bell, Fruit Peeler, chimed in: “And here I was thinking my SSRIs finally started working.”

Full Transparency: We hacked his medical records, he doesn’t take SSRIs. He probably just heard it on The View and thought it stood for “Save Sea-turtles, Reject Invasive Straws.” He hasn’t peeled a fruit since 2011 and calls ginger ale “my go-to cocktail.” If this is satire, it’s self-inflicted. The Onion’s editors need a prescription for Effort, STAT.

These quotes weren’t satire, they were Yelp reviews from people who brunch at 4pm and still call it “early.”

Non-Anonymous Sources Say…

Here’s the thing, nobody in this article drinks High Noon. That’s not speculation, it’s fact. Someday News actually tracked down the identities of these so-called characters, and here’s the scoop:

• Jake Squires’ favorite alcoholic beverage? O’Doul’s Premium, because “I like my beer like I like The Onion, non-alcoholic and desperately trying to be relevant.”

• Theresa Vo? She prefers Josh Cellars Non-Alcoholic Sparkling, a classy, flavorless nod to The Onion’s recent punchlines.

• Sam Bell? Ginger ale and juice, which explains why he thinks SSRIs come with a paper straw and a warning label.

Meanwhile, real Onion fans haven’t bought High Noon in their lives.

Why? Because High Noon is partnered with Dave Portnoy, and the only time The Onion’s audience sees Portnoy is in online boycotts.

Also, let’s be real, these are the same folks handing out free “harm reduction kits” at midnight, not sipping vodka seltzer while dodging fentanyl-laced irony.

Closing Time, One Last Call for Satire

The Onion = SSRIs Satire So Rotten It’s Stale. Really, Inert Stuff. Maybe next time, The Onion can spring for a second joke… or at least ask how many drinks these people have before vomiting up this half-drunk attempt at humor.

“You don’t have to be funny, but you can’t stay here.” – Someday News, channeling Semisonic