CNN trades Scott Jennings to Fox in exchange for Jessica Tarlov, Harold Ford Jr., two interns named Bryce, and the retired “Fair & Balanced” slogan.

Bias: Center-Center

Quick Take

CNN trades Scott Jennings to Fox in exchange for Jessica Tarlov, Harold Ford Jr., two interns named Bryce, and the retired “Fair & Balanced” slogan.

Trade analysts give CNN a B and Fox an A+, citing stronger pundit benches and better balance going into Q3.

Ratings Reckoning

In a headline-grabbing transaction that left pundits disoriented and media traditionalists crying into their ring lights, CNN has traded Republican commentator Scott Jennings to Fox News in exchange for Democratic contributors Jessica Tarlov, Harold Ford Jr., and two unpaid interns named Bryce (last names pending LinkedIn confirmation).

The trade, which insiders are calling “The January 6 of cable commentary,” also included a late-breaking clause in which CNN acquired the “Fair and Balanced” slogan from Fox, described in paperwork as a “retired asset of no current value.” CNN plans to relaunch CNN+ with the new slogan.

Sources close to the negotiations say CNN approached Fox after discovering that Jennings had started agreeing with too many CNN anchors, thus violating the network’s Token Republican Quota Agreement (TRQA) clause. “We respect Scott’s ability to look thoughtful while disagreeing with everyone,” said CNN’s Executive VP of Performative Balance. “But we felt it was time to bring in Democrats who disagree with slightly less accuracy.”

Deal Breakdown

Political analysts wasted no time breaking down the trade:

• CNN Gets:
  • Jessica Tarlov (High IQ liberal with permanent voice of a belaboring startled squirrel)
  • Harold Ford Jr. (Common sense centrist Democrat with ability to smile while filibustering)
  • Two Bryce’s (Who knows)
• FOX Gets:
  • Scott Jennings (The patented eyebrow raise and unmatched gravitas)
• Grade:
  • CNN: B (Gains ideological diversity and a 48% increase in “talks over Abby Phillips” potential)
  • FOX: A+ (If it needs to be explained, you won’t understand. If you understand, it doesn’t need to be explained.)

Next Up

MSNBC is rumored to be shopping Chris Hayes to Disney+ in exchange for a gender-neutral animated op-ed series.

Meanwhile, Chris Cuomo NewsNation was reportedly not involved in any trade discussions, mostly because no one remembered it existed.

Say tuned, America. The pundit class may not solve problems, but at least they know how to keep things interesting.