Musk Unveils Tesla’s New Ride-Share Service “XXpress,” Featuring ‘Ovaries Only’ Mode for Birthing People
Quick Take
- Earn While You Sleep: Tesla owners can deploy their self-driving cars as autonomous ride-shares with the flick of a toggle, finally monetizing your garage space.
- Rider Filters Included: Set age limits, rider preferences, and even restrict who can summon your car (no more drunk people).
- “Ovaries Only” Mode: Tesla’s nod to gender-sensitive ride preferences. because sometimes, you just want a uterus-friendly Uber.
Ovaries Only
AUSTIN, TX — In an innovative step toward eliminating the need for humans entirely, except for wombs and charging cables, Elon Musk has announced Tesla’s long-rumored self-driving ride-share program: XXpress.
Set to roll out in Q4, XXpress will allow Tesla owners with Full Self-Driving (FSD) to turn their vehicle into an autonomous money-printing machine, or “car with passive income,” according to BuzzFeed’s “17 Passive Income Ideas That Definitely Won’t Ruin Your Life (Number 9 Will Haunt You). Owners can toggle the Robotaxi function on and off when convenient. like Airbnb, but with fewer towels and more lawsuits.
Tesla owners will also be able to set custom rider preferences. You can block underage passengers, avoid riders with fewer than 4.3 stars, and because Musk always adds just one feature to start a gender war, activate “Ovaries Only” mode.
“It’s an inclusive way to be exclusive,” said Musk, toggling between enlightenment and burnout like it’s an app feature.
Unlike Uber’s “Women Preferred” and Lyft’s “Women+” options, Tesla’s setting only allows passengers who “possess the anatomical capability of internal fertilization,” though a pop-up clarifies that “ovaries do not have to be in current use.”
In a leaked internal memo, Tesla engineers proposed alternatives like “WombRo Taxi,” “FallopFleet,” and “Herby,” but Musk personally overrode the team, insisting on “XXpress” because the future shouldn’t make sense, just profit.
Key Features of Tesla XXpress:
- Ovaries Only Mode: For when you want riders who understand the difference between a menstrual cycle and a software update.
- Mindful Mobility™: Automatically plays calming mantras and success stories of people doing better than you.
- Emergency Birth Setting: In case your car gets booked during a contraction, the frunk transforms into a sterile birthing chamber.
- VagNav™: A privacy-first navigation system that skillfully detours around Hobby Lobbies and manosphere propaganda, while optimizing routes to Planned Parenthood
Tesla’s website clarifies that Ovaries Only mode is not intended to discriminate but to “create a hormonal safe space on wheels.”
“This is just the beginning,” Musk tweeted. “By 2027, we hope to launch EggstreamPool, where all passengers are pre-screened for hormone levels and feminine compatibility.
Tesla insiders believe that XXpress, combined with “Ovaries Only,” VagNav™ and Mindful Mobility™, could help drive the company toward a $20 trillion valuation by 2032 or “sooner, if humanity gets out of the way,” according to one anonymous executive.
At press time, Apple responded by teasing a competitor service tentatively named iOvulate, pending FDA approval.
