democrats Flee Out of Texas to Avoid Payback from Their Own Redistricting Renaissance: “Low-d” Panic Hits Record Levels
Editor’s Note: Until democrats decide to grow up, the ‘d’ will remain lowercase, like their impotent No-Plan-Agenda. Also known as “low-d.”
Quick Take
Bias: Smidge-Right
- 121 Democrat officials flee Texas to avoid being caught in their own gerrymandering trap.
- Democrats declare Republican redistricting “racist” while defending their own as “reverse equity-enhancing boundary innovation.”
- Fired consultant learns Dalai Lama quote, quickly labeled a “domestic threat” for promoting silence over performative outrage.
Low-d Energy
AUSTIN, TX — In a political stunt described by everyone as “Usain Bolt meets Scooby-Doo,” no fewer than 121 Democrat officials, including Texas House members, governors (yes, plural), senators, mayors, mid-level marketing managers, TikTok influencers, and custodial experts, have sprinted out of Texas faster than a stimulus check on a Carnival Cruise vacation. Their mission? To dodge the consequences of their own redistricting escapades, now coming full circle like a bounced Venmo request to your ex.
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In true “if you have two quarterbacks, you have none” fashion, democrats opted for 121 voices shouting at once instead of one clear leader, because having a single spokesperson felt dangerously close to Trump-style success as the undisputed HRIC (Head Republican In Charge).
The trigger for this mass exodus on private jets paid for by the taxpayers? Texas Republicans have finally opened their own Redistricting Renaissance, a phrase democrats claim is “coded language for electoral apartheid” and Republicans claim is “long overdue map art.”
democrats are decrying the move as blatant gerrymandering, a word so fancy and academic that average American assume it’s either a wine pairing or a new gender.
“Gerrymandering is rooted in racism, fascism, and eugenicism” said one Democrat official who asked not to be named but was wearing a ‘Gays Against Gerrymandering’ hoodie.
“When Republicans do it, it’s evil. When we do it, it’s reverse gerrymandering, which is technically equity.
democrats have elevated gerrymandering to a Top 3 Issue on their No-Plan Agenda, right behind “feelings-based legislation” and “mandatory pronoun appreciation sessions.”
Insiders admit this gerrymandering hysteria is less about principle and more about undocumented migrants being deported, aka, a voter base collapse.
“If ICE keeps deporting future voters, how else are we supposed to win elections?” whispered one anonymous deserter.
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Meanwhile, Texas democrats are reportedly thrilled about Republican redistricting because it gives them permission to “fight fire with fire,” which in this case means starting the fire in Illinois, then dousing it in gasoline, lighting a cigar, and blaming Republicans
Adding to the comedy, democrats recently fired a consultant who dared to read.
According to leaked memos, this individual uncovered a quote from the Dalai Lama that said: “Silence is sometimes the best answer.”
This violated party policy, which mandates that silence equals complicity unless it’s former President Biden forgetting where he is, in which case it’s empathy.
As for the sprint out of Texas, local gym owners are calling it “the most cardio democrats have done since January 6th.” Republicans, meanwhile, have begun using the abandoned seats to store redistricting blueprints, Bibles, and Chick-fil-A
Next step on the No-Plan Agenda, democrats debate whether drawing districts is more offensive than voter ID, and whether the Electoral College is “an outdated relic of patriarchy” or just a school they all failed civics in.
