Dean Phillips Goes Scorched Earth on Kamala Harris: Hires $100 Million Hit Squad, Declares Himself Border Queen’s Worst Nightmare

Bias: Center-Center

Quick Take

• Dean Phillips, former Minnesota Rep. hires $100M “Hit Squad” to torch Kamala Harris’s political career and blame her for the border crisis, announced he’s running for President in 2028.

• Leverages ex-Biden/Harris staffers (“Team Spite”) to leak damaging info bombs on demand, claims he’s “got the tea and time.”

• Declares war on DNC, threatens to “burn it down organically” if they don’t back him, says he’s going full Trump out of spite.

“Killing” Kamala

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what experts are calling a political death match, Minnesota Congressman Dean Phillips has reportedly hired a battalion of centrist and center-right consultants to wage an all-out scorched earth campaign against Vice President Kamala Harris, at a price tag north of $100 million, according to anonymous but smugly confident sources.

The moment his new advisors took over, they gave Phillips one clear directive: “Tell the American people what we’ve all been thinking: Kamala sucks.”

And he listened. Loudly.

Phillips has wasted no time. At a hastily arranged press conference held at a rodeo in Dallas, Texas. The presidential hopeful unveiled his campaign’s new messaging strategy: Blame Kamala Harris for everything, especially the southern border, which he now refers to as ‘Kamala’s Kids Khaos (KKK),’ in reference to the 400,000 lost undocumented migrant kids.

“She was the Border Czar, remember?” said Phillips. “Actually, I’m calling her Border Queen now, because nothing says accountability like royal fuck ups.”

“I’ve Got Dirt, and I’m Not Afraid to Spill It”

Sources close to Phillips say he has also poached several disillusioned Biden and Harris staffers, who are now operating under the shadowy codename “Team Spite.” These ex-insiders allegedly have “all the tea” and are prepared to leak “information bombs” at a moment’s notice.

“I know where the receipts are, I know who ordered the fries, and I’m about to flip the damn based-burger,” Phillips reportedly told billionaire donors.

Meanwhile, Harris’s team has responded with their trademark composure, releasing a statement that simply read: “lol.”

“I got the tea, I got the receipts, and I got time.” – Dean Phillips

West Somalia

Dean has also taken aim at Minnesota Governor Tim Walz, calling him a “limp-wrist jazz-hand buffoon who couldn’t load a Super Soaker without instructions.” Phillips accused Walz of bankrupting the state and turning Minnesota into “West Somalia with Formula 1 street racing,” thanks to his idiotic ‘Driver’s Licenses for All’ program, which Phillips now angrily refers to as the ‘You get a license! You get a license! And YOU get a license!’ Act for non-citizens.

He also chastised Walz for cheering Tesla’s stock drop, comparing it to “begging for state-run grocery stores and bread lines.” That said, some suggest Phillips should tread lightly, given the unfounded and highly speculative rumor that Walz may or may not have allegedly put a hit out on Amy Klobuchar after she took the last tampon in Walz’s favorite men’s restroom.

Target Acquired: Gavin Newsom

But the Border Queen isn’t the only one in Dean’s crosshairs. Phillips is now firing shots at California Governor Gavin Newsom, whom he unoriginally calls “Gavin Newscum.”

“He’s out there lying his way to the White House while Kamala kackles at the Constitution,” Phillips quipped, before adding that Newsom’s plan to “save democracy” includes $3,000 weekly stipends for illegal aliens, which Newscum calls immigrants. To no ones surprise, he conveniently forgets to put the word ‘illegal’ before immigrant, and legal California U.S. citizens.”

Phillips then reportedly poured out a glass of Napa Valley wine, declaring, “Fuck Gavin’s grapes.”

Bernie’s Bro, AOC’s No

In an attempt to cobble together a Frankenstein coalition of disgruntled centrists and confused progressives, Phillips has made it clear that he wants to align with Bernie Sanders but wants absolutely nothing to do with AOC.

Like my idle Robert Byrd said, white men need to stick together. – Dean Philips

“I love Bernie. He’s like the Gandalf of the left, and he’s unafraid to use the word niggardly in public. But AOC? She’s trying to turn every policy debate into an attack on cis-white men…except her husband.”

Phillips Puts Democratic Party “On Notice,” Threatens to Burn It Down “Organically”

Phillips has reportedly put the entire Democratic Party, and especially the DNC, “on notice.” In a closed-door rant that was immediately leaked, he warned that if party leaders interfere, sideline him, or fail to endorse him outright, he will burn the whole Democrat Party to the ground.

Insiders say Phillips is still “bitter, restless, and now fully vengeful” over how the party treated him, particularly the DNC, which he claims provided “zero support, constant slander, and a coordinated smear campaign involving Hillary Hitler and even worse talking points.”

His $100 million Hit Squad, sources confirm, has armed him with “political atomic bombs,” and he’s prepared to “Nagasaki them to Hiroshima.”

“I’m no longer in their blind spot,” Phillips allegedly told aides. “I’m in their fucking face, organic, authentic, and ready to go full Trump if I have to.”